


Until the light takes us

by Necronaut666



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gray Jedi, Greylo, Hurt/Comfort, Post TFA, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, ReyBen, Reylo - Freeform, redemption arc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-10-06
Packaged: 2018-07-24 06:11:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7497096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Necronaut666/pseuds/Necronaut666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren is dead.<br/>Ben Solo is missing.<br/>Ben Naberrie is running away. </p>
<p>But you can't run away forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fobos

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a one-shot, but grew too big and had to be split in several chapters. I wanted to explore some possibilities which are too rarely mentioned in fics: damage done to both body and soul during the war, relationships between people changing after the conflict is over, disappointment, and finding eventual solace.
> 
> But also fluff, because everything I write/draw ends up as fluff.

  
  
  
  
I'm fighting my sleep as I grip controls tightly, circling over the blue surface of the sea. Single stray rocks tempt me to land on them and take a nap in the cabin of my ragged ship, and the waves whisper, enticing me to succumb to the iridescent vision I long to be in. But then I feel a familiar tug of the bond, beckoning me, urging me to get closer.

 

It's odd to fly by myself after all this time, especially in this ragged X-wing. But with each hour in the cockpit I realize how incapacitated I was during my time in the First Order. Kylo Ren wouldn't touch the controls of this ship, waiting for a designated pilot to bring him to his destination.

 

But Kylo Ren is dead, along with Ben Solo. 

 

In the dusk I almost can see a temple, ancient and crumbling, crowned by the halo of a thousand stars. The sky is glittering brighter than the streets of Coruscant and I take a moment to appreciate it, the luxurious tapestry of light reflected by the stormy waters around it.

 

I remember the island well. I've seen it many times since that fateful meeting on Starkiller, when the hellish machine of our fates sprung into motion.  The tug gets stronger, more impatient, as if she had sensed my musings and told me to stop dreaming.  I lower my flight and then suddenly the old, familiar shape of Millennium Falcon lights up, illuminating the courtyard.  My X-wing descends hesitantly as I struggle to contain the pain, my hands trembling a little.

 

And then I'm on the ground,  scrambling to get out of the ship and tossing my helmet to the ground. To be honest, I hate helmets now. I cannot stand anything on my head. 

As I stretch my legs and take a deep breath of cold night air, the lights in the Falcon go down and a figure with a lamp in her hand begins striding towards me, bathed in yellow light. Her hair are fluttering in a sea breeze.

"I've overestimated your skills. Thought you will manage to land without my help" She shouts at my sight and my heart skips a beat at that sound. The last time I saw her when my red blade pierced Snoke's guts and her scream drowned in an explosion of crimson sparks. The rest was a blur of countless bacta tanks and medbays. And when I was able to stand on my own she was gone. I gave up on looking for her.

"Good to see you, Rey." I reply, throwing my travelling bag on my arm and giving her a long, hard look. I do not know how to greet her, wanting to embrace her but being fully aware of the possible implications this gesture carries.

“Good to see you too, Ben Solo.”

“It’s Ben Naberrie now.” 

My old name is not the only thing I have left behind.

 

After almost two years she changed -  gone is the girl made of light I have first encountered on Takodana. There is someone more jaded, with a hint of bitterness in her eyes, but no less beautiful.  She's dressed in a similar way too, sandy gauzes and linens cover her strong, lean frame, but her hair is longer and fashioned in a thick braid.  She inspects me from head to toes and for a moment I can see a spark of warmth in her eyes..

"This may be Jedi clothes  but still in black." she points out with a wry smile. "I almost cannot see you in this night".

"I've got used to black" I reply. I would gladly go back to my old attire, but it would also mean coming to terms with being an easy target for remaining First Order  and Resistance  forces.  

Rey shrugs and beckons me with her hand. I follow her lead, past the temple wall, to the large complex wedged into the green, lush hill. The birds circle above it, filling the air with high - pitched noises.

"Your X-Wing…"

"It's garbage, I know. I wouldn't dare to ask Mother for a better ship."

"I can look at it in the meanwhile. I doubt I would put it back to a good shape, but it will fly for a year or two"

Her voice resonates on the walls as we enter the high, vaulted corridor.  We take the stairs as I marvel at the grandeur of this place,  admire the flaking paintings on the wall illuminated by her lantern and touch the broken sculptures adorning the walls with my gloved hand. This place thrums with Force and it makes hair on the nape of my neck stand.

"You're alone here?" I ask. I’m surprised we haven’t encountered anyone else. 

"Yes. Luke and I had a… disagreement. He’s training new people now.  Finn went with Poe to Yavin 4. People move on with their lives".  Bitterness stains her voice.  The lonely scavenger is all by herself again. I feel a familiar ball of guilt in my throat.

"Sorry for asking."

"No harm done." she says as she pushes heavy, gilded door at the end of the long hallway. We enter the chamber, bathed in a warm light. Embers crackle warmly in an ancient fireplace and I can see the ocean through stained glass windows - some of them broken, some perfectly whole. There's a gallery covered with wild vines and flowers behind them.

"Grand Cleric's rooms" She beckons me with a gesture.

There is a large bed fashioned on a slab of sandstone, and walls are covered with old carpets and tapestries. Comms and computer units take place on a big table near the windows, along with artifacts and items Rey found in the temple.

I look in the mirror beside me, its surface cracked and matted. I'm 34 years old and my age starts to show with single silver strands in my hair, now tied in a bun.  A long, white scar marks my face, and the nerve damage makes me look like I'm always smirking, left corner of my lips permanently curved upwards.

"You must be hungry" I hear her from the depths of the room, urging me to settle for a minute. Taking off gloves I also take out the curved hilt of my lightsaber from behind my belt and place it on the dressing table between her combs and hairclips, an oddly intimate gesture.  As I untangle my hair and let them fall free, I notice her gazing at my mechanical hand.  Rey seems oddly moved by the sight. A price I had to pay for redemption, and I still feel it’s not enough.

"It was beyond saving."  I turn to her and show  the hand to inspect. She holds it inquisitively, testing how each finger moves.

"Can you feel it?" Rey asks and I hope she doesn't notice the rush of blood I'm experiencing right now, my pulse skyrocketing at her touch.

"Yes, it's a bit different than my own, but I've got used to it. It ticks at night, like a clock. I used to wake up a lot at the beginning." She lets out a small chuckle and I run fingers through my hair. "Artificial limb is a family trait, I suppose."

I gaze in the mirror once again awkwardly, savoring the image of her holding my hand, caressing my fingers with her own. The closest I have ever been to her.

"I hadn't realized my hair got that long" I change the subject quickly, withdrawing the hand before the fire engulfs all my senses. Taking a step towards the mirror, I inspect my own reflection.  Long, black strands are falling on my chest and they already start to curl in damp air. "It's hard to get a haircut when you are a rogue outlaw on a lonely quest."

"Leave it, it suits you" Rey  smiles and turns back to prepare the meal. 

She cuts various fruits and vegetables into two bowls and turns down my offer to help with a short scoff. Cooking seems to give her much pleasure, judging from how careful she is with the ingredients.  Her work gives me the vibe of a ritual.

So I sit on a bunch of pillows by the fireplace, fighting an odd, insistent feeling of coming back home. I have to remind myself that I do not have a home and should not delude myself of having one.  I gaze into the fire, torn between an overwhelming, want to stay here, wrap myself up in her arms or  to run away and let the waves cover my shame.  She comes to me at once, handing me a bowl of warm soup and a piece of flatbread. I haven't even realized how starving I was as I began to wolf down the food in silence.  I come to my senses few minutes after, feeling rude and awkward as always, but she seems to be pleased by my enthusiasm.

 

"You grow it yourself?" I ask, poking a piece of root swimming in broth with a spoon.

"Mostly. And I go to the station twice a month for supplies"  Rey replies, reclining on the pillows, gazing at the glowing embers with heavy lidded eyes. “But lately, it doesn’t rain. I’m afraid my plants will turn out bad.”

I clear my throat. There’s no need to prolong this. 

"You know what I came for."

"Visions" she nods. "Which ones?"

"The same as always. But they're getting stronger now. I see it every time I fall asleep." I do not mention that the visions are my only reprieve now. And that I await them greedily.

"You're falling underwater. It's blue and clear, and filled with light." Rey starts.

"And I'm getting calmer, the deeper I fall. It's so serene."

"I'm afraid, distressed" Rey frowns.  She's half-lying on the blankets, and I am encouraged to stretch myself on them too, feeling every old injury reminding of itself. " I try to pull you from the bottom, drag you towards the surface, but you're just letting yourself fall."

I have never thought that she could perceive the omens so differently - what was a pleasant vision, a carefully hidden dream was a source of distress for her. I feel much, much worse, as if it only confirmed I'm a bad person. Unworthy.

"I've seen a corridor, too. And the door that I cannot open.  The one with the blue crest."

"It's funny, because I also dream about that door.  And I can open them, but then I wake. I have never seen what's behind them. Do you think they are here, in the temple?" I ask, shifting my sight from the fireplace to the starry sky of Ach-Tcho, peeking at us through the cracks in the windows.

"I'm sure of it but I haven't explored it all. The underground corridors are too dangerous to go alone." She pauses. "Do you have any pressing matters at hand?  Or can you stay?"

"I can spare you any amount of time you need.' I murmur, silently cursing myself as I realize how does it sound.  You're overstepping the line, Ben.  But Rey smiles brightly in response. Is she so desperate for human contact she needs a wreck like me by her side?

I stand up, pain flaring in my bones, crushed too many times.  "I'll go to my ship, have a nap or something".

"Don't be ridiculous. Sleep here, by the fire." She looks at me as if I was crazy. 

I wish I had the strength to refuse, but then she rises up and forces me to sit with her hand on my arm.  In this moment, I wish Ben Solo, 23-year old padawan had met her on Jakku, searching for a new force - sensitive child. Maybe then we would stand a chance against this storm of fate we were caught in.  Instead, Kylo Ren encountered her in Takodana forest, this bright-eyed creature of light.

 

As she brings me the blankets and I kick off my boots, I rethink the past. Of course, I had a change of heart - some of my actions may have warmed Rey up to me, but I still bear my father's blood on my hands and her kindness is at least unreasonable.  We've never had a chance to talk after the fall, to explain all the secret whispers and heavy gazes. As I woke up from my coma, without my right hand and with most of my bones broken, she was somewhere far away. Her stormtrooper friend looked as if he wanted to kill me for even asking of her whereabouts, so I backed off and went away for a "personal quest". Which means - I ran away. 

  
Barrage of thoughts refuses to leave me as I wash myself in a well, splashing cold water on my broken body.  I don’t know how much this battered and bruised shell would last before giving up on me - bacta and mechanical implants can only postpone the inevitable.  Ten years? A year? A month?  I touch the scar on my abdomen. Someday, there will not be enough implants to save me.    
  
When I enter the room she seems to sleep already, almost invisible under the mountain of blankets and pillows. I resist the urge to kiss her goodnight. I lie by the fireplace like an obedient hound instead. 

I’ve lied to Rey in the very beginning - I’ve never got used to the hand, it’s constant clicking and mechanical noise.  Even now I cannot forget about it, opening and closing the fist with a metallic jangle. I’m often doing this at night, waiting for the sound to drive me insane.  But now, I hear her fidgeting under the covers and try to still myself, not to wake her up. My hand clutches at the pillow, frantically shaking.    



	2. Kalesma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've finally managed to post it :V Thanks for emnought for beta. :)

 

“But we can’t! You know a slave cannot love a Jedi Knight!”

 

My eyes flicker to the light and I jerk awake. I’m not on a snowy planet, but lying in a bunch of pillows.  Rey sits by the table, back turned to me, and watches some holodrama while cleaning and dusting a small artifact.  On screen, a tearful Twi’lek girl embraces a man in sandy robes to the tune of a sappy music. The sounds from the movie filtered right through my dream.   
  
Rey turns her head to me and smiles. She has her hair down, lit up by the morning sun with gold streaks in the colour of Vashkan honey. I have doubts - is this real, or maybe am I still dreaming? Dreaming of home, of bronze hours of evening, of silent and calm nights? I have never had this.  I’ve agreed with myself I do not deserve it.  But Rey approaches me with a cup of caf, which she pushes into my hands and my human part awakens, yearning for shelter.  
  
“Is it late? How long have I slept? We wanted to gothe temple.” I blurt out quickly, standing up like a startled animal.

“I didn’t want to wake you up, you seemed tired after that flight.” Rey replies.  She looks me straight in the eye. “I had a vision. It was different this time. I’ve seen…”  
“Starkiller.” we speak in unison. This happened to us many times since the final day on Ahch-To, when everything changed. Or one of us voicing the thoughts of another.  
“You were lying in the snow.  I thought you were dead.” I start.

“Then you approached me and covered me with something.”

“The snow. It changed into a blanket. “  I stare at her, hesitant if I should tell her about the last detail. The most intimate one.  
“And then I pulled you closer and you lied beside me in the snow.”  Rey has no qualms about dragging this out. “This is odd. We meet in person and the visions change. It’s like the force wanted us to team up… ”  
“The sooner we get to the temple, the better.” I mention nervously and start searching for my shoes in a pile of ragged clothes.  
  
We set for the temple an hour later, armed with our lightsabers, ropes and tools. The building is vast, with most of interior hidden underground, and it seems like a labyrinth of narrow staircases and hallways.  As soon as we get underground we’re losing the track of time along with the sunlight.  Rey is relentless, checking every room and corner, picking up the artifacts  seeming to be useful - parts of old databoxes and holocrons, lost jewelry. I track the inscriptions on the walls, being more familiar with the language,  and take photos of them. The temple is old, dating to the ancient Je'daii order, and some of the words are new and unknown to me. They are different from old Jedi credo I was taught as a little boy.

 

We reach the larger chamber. Maybe it’s an old library, but bones have been cleaned thoroughly by time. Rey commands for a break by the old fountain in the middle - pure, spring water still flows in a pearly cascade.  I dip my face in it  to wash the dust and grime that my hair caught in the ruins. The water seems to be sweet and fresh and I cannot resist from drinking it straight from the spring. Rey smiles, watching me as I shake my head and sprinkle water drops all around me. She takes a pear out of her bag and cuts it, then extends her palm withone half towards me. I lift the fruit with the Force as it levitates and cannot help but muse at her secretive grin, as if I have reminded her of something only she has known about.  
  
“I’ve never had a chance to thank you”.  Rey starts innocently and my heart freezes. I was afraid the most of her mentioning the past, and all the events that joined us. “You saved Finn. My best friend.  I wanted to tell it to you as soon as you woke up from the coma, but I had to follow Master Luke. And when I went back, you weren’t there.”

“ I thought it would be better to leave. “ I speak after a moment of tense silence, my voice crude and rusty with emotions “ What I did to your friend doesn’t erase what I did to my father.” And to you... I silently add in my thoughts.

“So you’ve resigned to living like him? What an irony.”

“Call  it an atonement. I disposed myself of home and family by my own hand, and it should stay as such to remind me who I am.”

“To me, you’ve never had one. “ Rey rises her eyebrow, as if she wasn’t buying anything I was saying. “And you’ve made a mistake not letting  yourself have any. Running away doesn’t repair anything. Your father knew it best but still refused to change anything about it. “

“My father had paid enough to keep me alive. I just do not know what for.” I don’t want to talk about it anymore and I change the topic. “What your disagreement with Luke was exactly about?”

 

Now she falls silent, searching for proper words.  We’re dancing on thin ice with each sentence which leaves our lips.

 

“He was especially big  on the notion of not having attachments..  Which in fact meant not forming any meaningful relationships. And I was so alone my whole life, too lonely to give up every friendship I formed, every longing I felt. To resign myself to a life without love. I was 23  and wanted to be with anyone, to feel that someone cared about me.  I do not want to give up on my emotions. “ She stares at me intently, knowing that I understand every word she’s saying.  Every one of her internal conflicts is familiar to me. “I drew upon my own feelings to survive for so long, I cannot just give up on them. You know, I even thought of having a family someday.  I’m not destined to spend my life meditating in some mouldy cave at the far end of nowhere.” I can sense the anger and disappointment rising in Rey, as her eyes darken.  
“Yet there you are, hiding in an old Jedi temple, with only flowers and ruins .” I smirk.   
“I went to Yavin 4 after that.” Rey begins, her voice filled with sadness to the brim. “ Poe and Finn told me I can always count on them. Live with them. At the beginning, it was perfect. But the longer I stayed, the longer I felt as something which spoiled  their balance. They built a fragile little world together and I was still an outsider there.  I could be a friend, but never a family.  So I excused myself and went there, to Ah-Chto like a wounded animal. And then the visions started. “

 

If Rey’s voice could have a colour now, it would be black with grief.. I have to fight an overwhelming want to embrace her and whisper into her hair that she indeed is perfect, she is loved from the moment the first streaks of red and blue light hit the Starkiller snow. But a creature like me should love from afar and in secret - it is better. So I only extend my hand and help her on her feet saying “We’ve got to go”.

 

So we tread the ancient halls without a word, hiding between the light from our lantern and the shadows of past ages. We finally reach the door from the vision - Rey points at it with  small gasp. They seem smaller, the blue crest shining mysteriously, ablaze with a warm light of the lantern. I examine them but they seem to have no lever or button, no opening mechanisms.

“It was you who opened them in  dream.” I speak to her. Rey lifts her hand and tries to move the gate with the Force, to no avail. She throws me a confused look. I shrug and try opening the passage myself - despite my strongest efforts, the door do not budge.

“Maybe we should do it together?” She propositions and I agree. We stand side by side, lifting our hands before us - and as we begin I feel her small palm slipping into my steel grasp. I am unable to let it go.  We move in unison, concentrated, and I can feel a small jolt of energy jumping between our bodies.

 

A cascade of light illuminates our faces. She refuses to let me go, strengthening her grip and taking me by the hand into the room before us.   
It is a well, with a cylindrical window in the ceiling, walls tiled with iridescent mosaic on which the ephemeral reflections from the water below dance endlessly.  The narrow, stone bridge leads over the water shining brilliantly against white stone. The depths are calm and azure.  
  
As we take our first steps into the chamber, I start to hear a humming in my ear. Dulcet tones grow stronger with each step and soon turn into a meditative drone.  I free my hand from Rey’s grip and take a step towards the bridge. She watches me hypnotized, as I ascend the path narrow as a blade’s edge -  and the well of light hits me, beckons me as a moth to the flame.  My body moves against my orders - or I simply seem to have no free will and follow the sound like a call of a whisperer. I desperately try to fight it, force my legs to have a step forward, but they refuse. Even the mechanical hand act against me, despite trying to dig it in a nearby stone. I shake, wrestling with my whole might against the secretive pull. To no avail, as my voice gets smothered like in the worst of dreams.

 

Rey seems to snap out of her trance and shout “Ben, no!” but it is too late. I take another step and the bridge crumbles under my feet. My body hits the water and  sight gets clouded with the effervescence. I should swim, I should fight for my life, but I give up. Out of my body, I drift through the opale luminescence filtering through the water. My consciousness is tied to this world only with  a flimsy string, which washes  away along with me in a chromatic cascade.

 

So, this is where it ends. I am hypnotized by the feeling of serene calmness. For the first time in my life, there is no pain, no strife. Nothing is torn apart. In what I think is my final moment I see her, a beautiful creature from my visions, coming at me bathed in an luminescent halo of light, her golden hair flowing freely around her face. I extend my hands, wanting to pull her closer and spend my final moment dissolving in her arms. But she fights me, dragging me towards the surface with all her might.

And suddenly Rey pulls my face towards her and locks her lips with mine, blowing air into my lungs. With the touch of her mouth something snaps. I wake and see her scared face, pupils blown black with fear. This is the moment  I start fighting for my life. All the sensations turn back to my body, lungs filled with water sting as if they consist of a thousand needles.  I try to untangle from my heavy, woolen robe, as Rey pulls me upwards.

We crawl out of the well, Rey dragging me on the white rocks around. I cling to one of them, spewing water and coughing, frantically catching the air. She climbs the steep walls,  and I claw my way just behind her. The chamber melts in a vertigo of blues, whites and silver streaks.  As soon as I hit the tiled floor,  heaving and desperately trying to claw the water out of my throat, the temple goes out of my sight in one final blur.

 


End file.
